Do’s and Don’ts in What Kind of Relationships?

For those close friends who know me well, you warmly embrace what I am:  comfortable with my lifestyles.  Thank you!  You accept my preference to not be pigeon-holed into some of the mainstream social groups and behavior.  Thank you again.  As several of you have requested, I am posting/broadcasting some of the principles or guidelines that us open-lifers and those poly-lifers go to great lengths to adhere and encourage.  For those who do not know me or are getting to know me, I want to preface these principles first.

 

I might sometimes seem self-centered to strangers, maybe unintentionally arrogant on certain subjects, but you my close friends know me very differently.  Some of you have fondly diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!  Chuckling I say, guilty as charged!  I do make serious efforts to treat anyone with respect no matter our possible differences.  And even though I am deeply convicted about my lifestyles, I hope my words are understood with a mix of humility as well.  In that spirit I want to share this guideline.  As a progressing “student” in my lifestyles, I always have things about myself to refine and learn.  And even though I am not involved in the polyamorous lifestyle (just the open-lifestyle), as I read over this guideline, I found it actually crosses-over on some levels into any sort of relationship!  I realized that the underlying theory to the open polyamorous lifestyle is on a higher broader level: philanthropy; a mindset and behavior that sometimes appears on the endangered species list. I mean, when would this planet EVER have too much goodwill?

 

One gross misconception that must be dispelled by real veterans of the open-lifestyle or polyamorous lifestyle is that the activities are a daily, weekly free-for-all.  This could not be further from the truth.  One of the most highest principles for veteran poly or open lifers is ethical integrity, or more basic: mutual respect as outlined below.  Critical to this one principle is proactive articulated honest communication.  And underlining every aspect of the lifestyle is a constant construction in non-judgemental forgiving environments which nurture more exploration, honesty, and proactive communication.  What the lifestyles are NOT are a reckless abandonment of emotional or physical responsibility to self or your partner(s).  Unfortunately, there are sometimes newcomers who meet open or poly lifers who are in reality novices or dabblers, but are mistakenly accepted as representative of the lifestyle as a whole, and then later witness those dabblers breakup, sometimes in a nasty way.  This too is not an accurate representation of experienced veterans of the lifestyle.

 

It is worth noting that in all aspects of a truly FREE society, there will be cases of irresponsible excess.  Very infrequent occurrences are merely human imperfection and corrections are made to avoid harmful behavior.  In repeated cases it could be deemed borderline or developing borderline addiction, or full-blown addiction from a personality (soul?) with inner conflicts in need of professional treatment or therapy.  As one of the guidelines below points out, polyamory (or the open-lifestyle) is not the problem.  It is HOW the lifestyle, self and people are managed and treated.  Ownership of feelings, behavior, words, are very much encouraged and required.  Whether they are right or wrong gets sorted out afterwards in a civil way.  In all cases, when you start open dialogue with your partner or spouse about an attraction to someone, you do it BEFORE any circumstances become inappropriate.  This demonstrates a healthy level of respect to anyone you hold dear or love.  Simple.

Whether you respectfully subscribe to either lifestyle or not, this wonderful guideline has something valuable to offer anyone who want more converse fulfillment in their relationships; more importantly, in better control of themselves and not victimized or in fear of being victimized.  A concept that deserves executing as perfectly as possible is internalizing what you yourself create or harm, but not internalizing what others harm.  Selective reciprocation.  Go back and reread those two sentences again.  Is the “within manages the without” lightbulb switching on?  All easier said than done I realize, but completely achievable if pursued diligently.  I’ve often heard about the philosophy of Laws of Attraction which partly apply here.  However, I feel that black-holes in space (both outer space AND inner space or anatomical space) exist and you must guard against them; not allowing them to suck-up all your “light”.  In other words, as you achieve more attraction, you will not only attract beautiful energies but negative ones as well.  This is why it is important to perfect your internalization gate.  Does that make sense?

As you read this guideline – of which I regurgitated into my own words – all of you can find at least one applicable point to your own relationships…past, present, or future.  Also, please be sure to check the Further Exploration resources at the bottom; well worth your time!

Don’t coerce your relationships into a predefined shape; let them be what they are.
All people are complex and none are exactly the same, especially their individual needs and desires.  Treat your relationships respectfully for what and who they are.

Don’t keep score.
Fairness operates on a global level, not a local level.  This planet and its inhabitants are in a perpetual state of flux. As long as “support” is available to everyone concerned when they need it, it is not a question of keeping score.

Do understand that your needs have nothing directly to do with your partner’s other partner.
Achieving parity with everyone is not happiness.  Being happy and fulfilled is not a competition!  Simply ask yourself “Am I getting what I need?” not what everyone else is getting like a 3-year-old demands.

Do ask for what you need.
No one is a perfect psychic or mind-reader.  Just because someone loves you does not automatically make them a mind-reader to your needs and desires.  Communicate them openly whether you feel they are childish or not.

Don’t let problems sit.
This can be tricky, but don’t let small issues reach unmanageable proportions.  Have or develop the tools to communicate maturely your emotions and needs honestly.  Make it a habit!

Don’t assume that polyamory will solve problems in your relationship.
Polyamory is a vitamin, not a cure.  Bringing someone else intimately into an already unstable relationship is likely going to exacerbate the problems.  It is not fair to that 3rd person or couple.  Polyamory can definitely strengthen and enhance an already stable relationship, but it will always expose the flaws as well.

Do pay attention to the state of a prospective partner’s existing relationships.
Entering into polyamory is not an amnesia pill; a prospective partner or couple cannot runaway from their own problems expecting them to disappear.  Do assess the stability and growth of that prospective partner or couple and know well your possible emotional risks.

Don’t take sides.
On occasions your partners will encounter disagreements; it is inevitable.  You cannot always be Anne Landers.  People must sometimes work out their own problems in their own time and way.  Stay neutral but if your opinion is asked for be sensitive to everyone.

Do strive to be flexible.
Resource management.  Many problems in polyamorous relationships stem from resource management: one person cannot possibly be in two places at the same time.  Successful growing poly-relationships are a reflection of creativity and flexibility by all concerned.

Don’t assume the problem is polyamory.
Here’s an analogy: You have prepared this incredible gourmet meal in your beautiful gourmet kitchen with top-of-the-line gourmet cookware.  When it is served something does not taste right at all.  Do you tear down your entire kitchen?  Do you throw out every piece of your fine cookware?  No, of course not.  Problems are often not the result of the cookware, or the kitchen, or even the home.  Break the issues down into manageable units and find its roots before making assumptions.

Do pay attention to the way you relate to your partner’s partners.
Always remember that your partner’s partner(s) are not a non-entity.  They are a human being with equal feelings, needs and desires as well.  Also, even though you may not care for them in the same way your partner does, they are by extension your relationship too.  This person is someone significant to someone you love.  Make it easier on yourself, your partner, and everyone else concerned and not tumultuous.  Be in a supportive role for the partner you love so much, not a destructive role.

Don’t make assumptions about your relationship with your partner’s other partners.
Some might automatically think that when another is interested in a sexual relationship with your partner, they want to drive a wedge between the two of you.  Or maybe that they are automatically interested in both of you.  This sort of thinking is a minefield!  Statistically it is rare enough for two couples to all get along, and almost as rare for three in a triad.  The complex dynamics involved must have the freedom and time to evolve into whatever they will.  Your partner’s other partners are not going to follow the same path every time.  Let them be.

Do take responsibility for your actions.
Even as unpleasant as this obvious rule may be, it is universally true, even outside the polyamorous relationship.  Whether we like it or not, our behavior can sometimes have unintended consequences.  Unintended or not, they are our actions and must be owned as such.  Whether we are the victim or the instigator, our actions show our control…healthy or unhealthy, intended or unintended.

Don’t assume polyamory makes you more enlightened.
For that matter, don’t assume that monogamy makes you better either!  Your relationship model doesn’t make you any better a person than anyone else’s.  Treat everyone and their relationship as you would want them to treat yours.  Just because you might deal with more numerous complex dynamics, does not make you a superior human being. In fact, sometimes you could be a masochistic fool!

Don’t make assumptions about your partner’s other relationships.
Pretending to be a know-it-all about things you don’t fully understand is being an arrogant, perhaps insecure fool.  During the initial rush and infatuation phase of a new relationship, it might be easy to prematurely conclude what direction your partner might take, or what your partner will or will not experience.  “They must be better than I am in bed” or “They are trying to replace me” or “They have more fun together than we do” are all knee-jerk imaginations!  Be patient and realistic. Stay informed and in the loop of what your partner is experiencing without interrogating.  Respectfully present any concerns you have before they become serious problems.

And on that note…

Don’t vilify, demonize, or build up your partner’s other partners.
Your partner’s partner is not (or should not be) your enemy, nor a demon, nor god or goddess.  Your partner’s partner is just as human as anyone else, with flaws and quirks like everyone else.  Try to see them in the same light as your partner does, not for how you might feel they threaten you.  Again, being objectively supportive is more conducive to happiness for everyone concerned, including you.

Don’t look to your relationships to offer you validation.
Instead, consider how your own gifts, your own personality, and your own actions can benefit the whole.  Seeking validation in things and persons outside of yourself will only prepare you for a lack of self-identity and loss of your own unique offerings.  The former is empowering; the latter is dis-empowering.

This leads nicely into the next point…

Don’t seek to give your partner happiness at the expense of your own.
Doing this only leads to codependency.  A polyamorous relationship must serve the needs of everyone involved.  It is a myth to think you can make someone else completely happy, or someone else can make you completely happy.  Others should not drain but compliment and enhance who you are.

Do know your limits, your needs, and the things that bring you happiness.
On this point two things are important: 1) understand you and know yourself honestly. 2) Articulate clearly what it is you need and want.  Examine yourself closely; are you secretly expecting things you are not verbalizing?  Are you secretly pushing your relationship in a direction that seems unnatural?  Are your expectations realistic for you, your partner, and everyone concerned?

Don’t be afraid of change.
Like it or not, relationships evolve over time.  They are living, breathing, dynamic, changing entities like everything else in this world.  Healthy relationships do not remain stagnate.  They morph into ways that should suit those involved.  Be willing to commit to change in ways that include partners as life brings those positive as well as adverse changes.

Do know what place you have to offer someone.
When bringing a new partner into a long-term stable enjoyable relationship, it is easy for that person to feel intimidated.  Be sure to know exactly what the two of you can and cannot offer while making the experience a safe secure place.  Free honest communication about what you are able to give is the first step in a happy memorable experience.

For Further Exploration:

Here are three books I found from PolyMatchmaker.com along with their reviews of the books.  I own The Ethical Slut and have read it several times with increased appreciation.  I definitely recommend it or their latest republished version.  Australian author, columnist Samantha Brett has a fantastic article on the lifestyle that is an exceptional read:  Ask Sam — The Sydney Morning Herald.  Highly recommended!  Finally, there are a host of organizations and social groups locally, likely in or near major metropolitan areas.  Simply search open-relationships or poly-relationships.

The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities, by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt

One of the many strengths of this book for many readers is its very direct, step-by-step explanations of (for example) negotiating types of sexual behavior. There’s also some very interesting material about jealousy, insecurity, and some interesting thoughts about where those feelings come from.

 

 

Open Marriage: A New Lifestyle for Couples, by Nena O’Neill and George O’Neill

A new reprint of the controversial 1974 book that so influentially challenged the old paradigm of “closed” relationships. The O’Neills inspired a whole generation to rethink the previous assumptions about what marriages ought to look like, attacking the myths of jealousy, ownership, control, imbalance, and a host of other conventional beliefs about marriage. They offered a new way of thinking about relationships that remains as fresh and valid today as it was nearly three decades ago.

 

 

Myth of Monogamy: Fidelity and Infidelity in Animals and People, by David P. Barash Ph.D., and Judith Eve Lipton M.D.

In this book, authors Lipton and Barash take a look at mating patterns throughout the animal kingdom (though they seem to spend more time on behavior in birds than on other animals). The conclusions they draw can be anticipated from the title — that monogamy is not natural, at least based on biological, physiological, anthropological, and other evidence, and in fact is not as widely practiced as once thought. However, this is not to say, as some reviewers seem to think, that they believe that monogamy is thereby unnatural. In fact, in one place they say, “…even if human beings were more rigidly controlled by their biology, it would be absurd to claim that monogamy is unnatural or abnormal, especially since it was doubtless the way most people lived…” And later on, they affirm that “human inclinations may be able to fit whatever matrimonial pattern happens to exist in the society they happen to experience.” But monogamy does go against the grain of human nature, according to the authors, and so you have to work at it.

Sex At Dawn — The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality, by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha

(This review offered kindly from O.M. Grey at Caught In The Cogs) Sex at Dawn takes the reader through a historical and anthropological journey of human sexuality, exploring why we feel the way we feel and how society and religions force us to go against our most basic instincts. The authors show readers a different way to live and offer what is quite possibly the recipe for long-lasting, happy, fulfilling relationships. As a biological case for non-monogamy that simply cannot be argued, this book should be required reading for every adult in a relationship.

 

 

 

This work by Professor Taboo is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at http://professortaboo.wordpress.com.

Compos Mentis: Rationality Prevails, For Now

Paul Clement and John Boehner are key crusaders for DOMA

Anti-discrimination advocates received great news over a week ago Monday, April 25th.  The law firm King & Spalding, hired by Speaker John Boehner and House Republicans to spend overspent taxpayer dollars to defend DOMA (the Defense Of Marriage Act), withdrew their representation of the case.  If you are unaware of the litigation details, basically supporters of DOMA feel that gay-lesbians who want to marry, not only for the EQUAL legal benefits that hetero marriages freely enjoy, but just as much for the sake of “love“.  They are clearly discriminated upon by not being legally allowed to marry under the guise of DOMA.  Very specific religious-based groups who do not represent the entire diverse American population (much less the rest of the free-world), feel it is their “God-given” right to enact laws binding others how they are to live their personal lives.  How have other religious-based power groups used the same God-given battle cry at the cost of basic human rights and lives?  How many can you name and are their principles much different? 

With my already published blog Sexual & Gender Ambiguity as my personal foundation on this issue, I am not going to waste my time or yours with the political rhetoric and unsound empty premises that DOMA and its supporters use.  Here is my parody of the issue and how I condense their bottom-line: 

Only heterosexual couples deserve all the personal and legal benefits of marriage in America.  Period.

Well no, let me rephrase that to show more accurately the DOMA logic:

Only white-with-white, or Afro-American-with-Afro-American heterosexual couples deserve all the personal and legal benefits of marriage in America.  Period.

Well, no no, let me rephrase that again to show more accurately the logic:

Only people with exactly 10-fingers and 10-toes who can produce children naturally through federally approved intercourse, deserve all the personal and legal benefits of marriage in America.  Period.

Well, no that doesn’t work quite right either.  Let us rephrase it again:

Despite that well over half of American heterosexual marriages end in divorce more than once, spending untold amounts of sparse overspent taxpayer dollars in court fees, etc., let’s pretend they represent TRUE LOVE (since “God” agrees only with heteros) and hence are the only couples who deserve all the personal and legal benefits of marriage in America. Period….until we can sound more convincing the next time.

Various amounts of sexual hormones then genitalia develop first at the molecular level, not according to any post-natal religious propaganda.

Well, that last bottom-line doesn’t work either because who or what has the right to define what true love is…the Federal or State governments?  Or more poignantly, the U.S. Constitution?  As any elementary school student will recognize, the rationale behind these highlighted DOMA premises might seem ridiculous, but I hope they show the incredulous basis behind any person or legal/political organization trying to dictate onto persons and their private lives what defines the sanctity of marriage, love, or gender combinations the two belong.  As my last ’rephrase’ points out, American heterosexual marriages CERTAINLY have no track record worthy to define what love, marriage, or where the gender combinations belong.

My instinct tells me that DOMA advocates will grasp further outside Constitutional jurisdictions, calling upon their own individual religious or faith-based presumptions that discriminate against another sector of people with differing world or religious views.  For me, it is glaringly obvious which position should be given legitimate “Constitutional protection“!

I remind readers that these views are as much a parody as they are a personal method to cause reflection on a subject that is ultimately OUTSIDE governmental or religious dictation.  I also urge readers to read my earlier blog Sexual & Gender Ambiguity to gain proper perspective on my personal position on this discriminatory issue.  While ‘hate‘ messages are not permitted, dialogue is most certainly welcomed.  Thank you for respecting this.

[Later addition]  Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who vetoed a bill in 2005 for legalizing same-sex marriage in California, admitted May 17th, 2011 that ten years earlier he fathered a child with another woman other than his wife.  He never told her or his children, and most certainly while being governor paid-off monthly child support to keep this unethical behavior out of the public eye.  Whether Schwarzenegger is a great example of the “sanctity of heterosexual marriage” or not, is not the real issue.  The very REAL issue is America’s acceptance of not only non-monogomous marriages or relationships, but more importantly getting out of everyone’s personal lives and bedrooms and concerning themselves with and accepting the ethical sanctity of humanity instead of the genetic-hormonal-sexual differences of humanity.  One of the best things now that Schwarzenegger can do to save face is reverse his position on same-sex marriage and start campaigning for its legalization.  For more on this important genetic-sexual issue, read my blog Sexual & Gender Ambiguity.

 

 

 

This work by Professor Taboo is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at http://professortaboo.wordpress.com.